My second year of university is almost over, and I thought that it might be a good time to sit down, audit what I did over the past year and pen down what I learned, just for me to remember and look back on when I am old and grey.
My second year of university started with me finding out that my JC crush would be back in geographical proximity to me, and with his singlehood, I experienced some residual feelings which quickly faded. it made for an interesting start to the semester though, regardless.
The bulk of this year, however, was dominated by one guy in particular. I met him in Semester 1, and a certain X factor drew me to him. I realised that I liked him a month after I got to know him and confessed after two. I derived a lot of my energy from his presence then, and that pushed me to be able to achieve a lot more in a short period of time. It was not exactly healthy physically, with me sleeping very few hours and working late into the night many days of the week, but I never felt more productive.
His appearance in my life taught me a lot about what I look for in a guy, and it was really only through talking to my friends and processing what I was feeling at that point in time that I gained more clarity about what I wanted.
Obviously, nothing happened and there was no us but we are now still good friends, which I am extremely grateful for.
The bulk of winter and Semester 2 I spent adapting and adjusting to life without his presence. But it was through this process that I learnt that no matter how bad any situation looked, I had the strength within me to pick myself up once again. I might spend a couple of days, weeks or even months moping around, surviving on pure brute force, but eventually, one day, I will find myself again.
Semester 2 was also a challenge because of issues I faced at home. My dad’s health deteriorated and there were points in the semester when I was faced with the possibility of losing him. That was a reality I was not ready to face as a 20-year-old. I retreated into my shell and hid in school. I stopped going home on the weekends and I avoided calls from home. I did everything in my power to hide in school so that I did not have to entertain the thought of the possibility that I might lose my dad, or the fact that I might already have lost the dad I knew. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to accept that my dad might no longer be able to talk to me, to be my handyman or even recognise me.
The thing was, I saw all of these coming, but everything that happened 10, maybe even 20 years too early. This should have been a problem I dealt with in my 30s, maybe even 40s, but certainly not before I hit 21. I was not ready for any of this. My dad still had to buy me a bouquet of Stitch flowers when I graduate in 2 years, he still had to vibe check my potential husband, walk me down the aisle and give me away. What about all the adventures we have yet to embark on? Covid grounded us for 2 years, but he promised to bring me to see the cherry blossoms, that was supposed to be my post A Levels trip.
There is just so many things we have not yet done, I am not ready at all to lose him.
At the same time, I saw how difficult it must be for him to be able to cognitively process everything, but to no longer be able to drive, to walk, to live independently. He was ready for active retirement, not to be grounded and have his abilities to settle his basic needs stripped.
My dad has always been a strong, family oriented man. But on his birthday this year, I saw him cry for the first time, and it broke me. It made him sad that he had to spend his birthday in the hospital, lying on a bed, unable to speak and respond to his loved ones.
Semester 2 overall was just an emotional challenge for me. I was thrown the biggest challenge yet, having to learn to manage my emotions together with a full school workload.
To sum it up, Year 2 threw me different challenges, but I am exiting Year 2 with more confidence to say that I can survive anything thrown at me. I may not operate at 100% 100% of the time, but that is okay. I will first survive, then I will thrive.
One Step At A Time 