Now I know that there might be controversies after I post this, but then again, what I really hope to achieve is just to share my experience. It is by no means definitive of anything at all. As I’ve said and will say again,
JC is an experience. One that you can’t take anyone’s word for. You really just have to go ahead and experience it for yourself.
This article will be a long one, because this is where I go into the details. This is my process of healing, I need to get this out once and for all so that I can try to leave this all behind me.
For those of you who can relate to this, I’m sorry and I’ll always be here if you need to talk. For those who don’t, I’m really glad for you but please still treat this place with respect. You may not have gone through this but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. It does. Otherwise, just grab a snack and enjoy reading:)
This is also the article that will be linked to my previous one, https://onestepatatime.water.blog/2019/06/18/battling-your-inner-demons/. I will be talking about how JC has affected me as a person. This is the post where I am not holding back.
My whole JC journey started on the 2nd of February, 2018. That was when I reported to school for my orientation program. The first couple of days were great, I had the most amazing OGLs and my OG mates were all super friendly and cool to hang out with (shoutout to you Calli 4, if you’re reading this). When I first met my class, I could have sworn that they were awesome. I’ll always love my Secondary 4 class more than anyone in this world but they were great and I thought that we would have plenty of fun together. But here came the first big ordeal.
My closest friend in the school had some trouble with her clique. So this girl wasn’t one of my best friends, the rest of my gang went to a different school but I wanted to try something different. This girl had her mind set on another school, actually, but she didn’t get in. Her appeal wasn’t successful either in the end so yeah. Anyway, she formed her clique in class pretty quickly but they had their issues really early on as well. She thought that they were excluding her and she was really sad then. Together with the trouble with her appeal, she was pretty stressed out. So she came and looked for me during all our common breaks. I didn’t want to ditch her, we had the same roots after all and we were all trying to find our footing in a new environment so I wanted to be there for her.
So having made the decision to stand by her, I did. Eventually, she accepted that her appeal failed and she sorted things out with her clique. All was great for her. But when I chose to stand by her, I had to give up on that golden 2 weeks with my own class, and those were the weeks where cliques start to form and all that.
Eventually, my friend sorted things out with her clique and she ditched me for them. I was left with no one. I didn’t manage to make meaningful friendships in class because I chose to stand by my friend. By the time I was back in class full time, it was too late for that. Year 1 was not too tragic though, I hung out with a group of guys who were tolerant of an extra person.
Also, throughout the year, I had a huge crush on my OGL turned CGL turned CCA president turned mentor. I mean he was attached so I knew that I had to keep my distance and not get my hopes up but we hit off so well that he made school a whole lot more interesting for me. I did a lot of stalking and a lot of planning to maximise the time and chances of me seeing him, even if it was just a glimpse.
Because of his encouragement, I went ahead and fought for opportunities like EXCO, VA Ad Hoc and OGL. Granted that I didn’t get all of them, but he gave me something to work towards, and someone I wanted to model my school experience after. He didn’t know but he was my lighthouse in a time when I was disheartened and dejected, worried and hopeless.
Part of my job in the CCA is to run morning assembly and concerts (I’m in PA CREW), and that was really challenging but satisfying at the same time. Being in the VA planning committee was the most amazing experience I’ve had so far, even though it was difficult to get things done and fight against the IP-JAE divide the whole time.
So yes, the year wasn’t too tragic even though 1. I endured multiple bouts of betrayal because I was stupid enough to let the friend who hurt me get back into my life twice and 2. I wasn’t doing well academically. I was struggling in school for the first time.
My year end vacation was rather amazing, to say the least and I showed them to you in previous Photobooks. All in all, it was a really great break but I didn’t exactly complete as much as I would have liked to, which made me a little more anxious than usual about starting Year 2.
JC2 was a lot more hectic. Being in a leadership role meant that I was heavily involved in the running of my CCA, meaning a whole lot of planning for Open House, CCA Bazaar, Recruitment and camp. I was stretched no doubt, but I also had a lot of fun doing what I loved. What made the experience less than ideal was the company but I’ll elaborate a little later.
I didn’t do well in my first exam, and my Econs tutor really stepped up on chasing me for work consistently throughout the week, which only added to my stress levels. The thing is that term 2 is traditionally hectic and with rehearsals as much as 4 times a week, I was really really stressed.
I don’t know about you guys, but I work better when I tackle one subject a day, not so much multiple subjects a day, so I couldn’t deliver on showing him evidence of my revision everyday, because I didn’t do it everyday.
This was also when I started to crack. There were days when I just sat at my study table late into the night, trying to summon up the strength to start my work but just not being able to do so. That feeling is not something I can completely capture in words but imagine inertia so large that you really just cannot move. It was somewhat like that.
It wasn’t like I wasn’t trying to deliver. I was trying, it just wasn’t working.
Every time I saw a text from him, I would find every reason to not open the chat, hence grey-ticking him for a couple of days while I thought of a reason to deal with the message. I dreaded our weekly lesson. I started to hate Econs.
My breaking point came one day. I still remember that it was a Sunday and I just had my Physics lesson at The Physics Cafe, something I really enjoyed. There was once again another message, and I just really couldn’t take it anymore. I called my mother and I just started crying and crying. I stared at my paper, trying to do some work but the words just started to float around. I was reading the words but not understanding anything at all.
That was the day my mom realised that whatever I told her about my mental health condition not being at its prime and that I was really stressed was real. She took the liberty of cancelling the rest of my lessons for the rest of that day and we just went out. It was the most relaxed day I had in a long time.
Ever since then, she went a little easier on me and I’ve been working on finding a balance.
I was in a dark place and I got started on walking out with help from those around me. I had to do a lot of the work by myself, but it was very comforting to know that I had people I could fall back on.
I’m still working on everything but I really just wanted to share with all of you, my journey.
Half the reason I even started this blog in the first place was to share and document my journey. 20 years later, I hope that I will be able to look back on the things I wrote and laugh and reflect on how much I have grown.
So that’s that. I’ve basically covered my entire journey. I’ll just elaborate a little more on 2 points that I’ve highlighted above.
Going through JC alone
Well, by alone I really just meant without close friends in your class. I totally would NOT recommend this for anyone.
I was miserable throughout my 2 years in school because I didn’t manage to form meaningful friendships in class. It wasn’t exactly their fault either, I made some pretty bad choices too. I definitely would have done things differently if I had the chance to.
Your old friends from Secondary School may be important but never ever think that having them is sufficient, especially if they are not in your class. Having friends in class is also of very much importance!!
IP-JAE Divide
It is real. It definitely exists. And I guess you just gotta learn to live with it:/
In my experience, it’s difficult to navigate. Sometimes, even as one of the leaders of a CCA, it can potentially be difficult to get anything done because of this. Many a time, I felt that they saw themselves as the kings and queens of the school, and that is not easy to work with.
That said, I’ve also met very nice IP seniors and juniors, so I guess it’s still quite luck dependent.
It all goes back to what I said at the start. JC is an experience and it’s quite different for everyone.
Considering the amount of details I’ve revealed in this post, it technically wouldn’t be difficult to find out my identity and once my identity is known, it also won’t be difficult to figure out who exactly I’m talking about above.
My only request is for you guys (if you happen to be reading this for whatever reason) to respect this space. I shared my story in hope that I will be able to help someone out there. This is how things were from my perspective. You may not agree, but this is how it felt. You can reach out to me personally and we can have a whole conversation, no problem, but I hope you respect this space.
To end off, I’m not saying that I don’t encourage people to go to JC. My stand remains. If you don’t know what you want to do, going to JC is still a good option. My only advice: Read everything I’ve written above again, learn from my mistakes and don’t make the same mistakes as me. Your journey in JC can be very different from mine, and I hope that it is very different from mine.
If you’re in it already, hang in there! I know it’s not easy to push on but it’s only 2 years. It’ll be over before you know it! You can do it!
I’ll always be here to talk if you need a listening ear. Reach out to me via email or DM, whichever makes you more comfortable.
Till my next post, stay strong!!
Post Results Day update:
So it’s been almost a week since I got my results, and although it’s not a perfect set of results, I am satisfied and immensely grateful that I scored what I did. Looking back, it definitely wasn’t an easy journey, but it was one that was really rich, full of chances for me to learn and grow. And I believe I did. I definitely didn’t walk out of VJ’s doors exactly the same as the person who walked in.
I’m just really glad to be able to say that I’m done with JC and and as much as I miss studying sometimes (I know right?! Like how?), I love that I’m done with those 2 years of my life and I can move on now:)
So that’s about it, I really don’t think you’ll find anything else JC related here after this, but if you need to talk or have schoolwork to ask, by all means just DM me! I’ll be happy to help:)
One Step At A Time 